Whenever life throws something unexpected, or entirely expected but exceptionally unwelcome at me, I tend to do several things.
Cry. This is my usual reaction, I'm an easy crier, sad things make me cry, happy things make me cry, arguments make me cry, perceived criticism or threats make me cry, anger, mistakes, reunions, the list goes on but you get it. My reaction when things are out of my control is to cry. It's a trait I have mixed feelings about, I like the emotional release when it is the appropriate reaction. But I'll be damned that it makes me look like a 'weak, emotional female.' I put those in quotes not because it's been said to me before, but rather it is a very incorrect statement, well not the female part, that's true. But being in a corporate environment, facing job changes, redundancies, difficult conversations with clients, I have cried. I don't want to, it automatically changes the dynamic, I'm emotional, incapable, ruled by heart. I am well connected to my emotions but I am by my nature, a very logical person, I like control, order and things to be clear, concise and well explained. Those two ends do not marry.
Next, and thankfully something I am getting better at not doing, drink. I dislike and will actively avoid the feeling of anxiety, yes I know this does not achieve anything but if I can put off the pitting feeling for a while I will do. Drink has always allowed me to escape, allowed me to sleep. I spent most of my twenties avoiding my mental health issues and self-medicating with alcohol. I have a very lucky experience in the sense that it did not cause me trouble at work, home or with any authorities. I didn't drink loads, I was rarely black out drunk, rarely sick, but what I did do was a few shots before bed to shut my head up. I wanted to avoid the thoughts that come in the dark, dodge the anxiety that is escapable when the only sound is your breathing. Over the years I've got a lot better, having children does this, I was pregnant and fully sober for both which showed me I could do it. I am now medicated and have had more therapy meaning I know drink actually makes the anxiety worse and I'm better off abstaining but I don't know how to navigate yet.
Lastly, I do this, I write, it gives me a sense of control, something I know I can do. My career is not what I thought it would be, I took the first job offered to me after uni out of fear and have stayed in that same lane. I do not like the lane, I have never liked the lane. It offers me no fulfilment, enjoyment and actually, no longer pays that well. I've managed to keep myself afloat by doing just enough to not be the worst at it in a team and until recently, this has worked. I do work hard, I do my job not the best I can do but it gets done. But again it's about to change, a forced HR changed, taking that lane to a motorway of parts of the role I do not like. I feel out of control, I feel trapped by remote working, flexibility, mortgage and kids. I'm too anxious by nature to be spontaneous, leap and assume all will be fine, I'm notoriously risk-averse. So for now, I write.
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