The sport that made me realise I wasn't like everyone else.

I don't remember much about being a child, the memories I do have are traumatic and have left me with lifelong scars. Dark start to a piece, well done! 

Of the things I do remember,  I remember that I have always felt an affinity with animals, loved them, adored them and in constant awe of them. This has carried on into adult hood, I spend my free time seeking out animals, native ones that is, I'm not on some wild goose (ha) chase across the world, but every holiday I have ever had has incidentally involved some kind of animal experience also. 

I digress, but go back to the 90s, tomboy me, a love of Michaela Strachan and magazine subscription with one of the animal charities, a declaration of vegetarianism which wasn't allowed by my conservative father and a statement that I wanted to try horse-riding.

I knew nothing about horse-riding but I was allowed to try, a few lessons and the only thing I really remember is a sense of fear when the horse went faster than I planned and being shouted at by the instructor. I remember getting down from the horse, sobbing and never going back. 

You may think that this is a quitter to Olympic equestrian story, it isn't, since then, I don't think I've ever gone back in the saddle (on fire today!). I quit, and every time in life when something gets hard, I quit, if I get told off, I cower. It's not a great trait, it's something I'm working on because some things in life you cannot quit but it's at that point I knew something was different about me. I wasn't like the other children, upset but determined. I was ashamed, upset I couldn't do it, hurt I'd let my parents down and disappointed that I couldn't be like everyone else. 

I still feel like this now, just this morning I texted my husband 'I just want to be like everyone else'.  I self-sabotage, it is often the easier route to take, easier to quit and say I never really wanted it anyway, internally dealing with the emotions over trying and failing. Failing means letting others down, failing means you weren't good enough, failing means you have to get back up again. Quitting puts me in control, but lets me give in to the fear, the anxiety and keeps me down. I'm not a risk-taker, I'm an overthinker, an observer, a lets wait and see, and it's not a fun way to live. 

I wish I'd gotten back on the horse, I wish I'd done it scared, upset, ashamed and disappointed because then I would have done it proud.